So You Think You Can Dance? No, I can't, but I can criticise to my heart's content....

So here I am again…and I’m blogging TV now! I’ve decided to give writing about So You Think You Can Dance a go – I won’t get far, because I’m not sure how much Sunday night TV I’ll be watching at university. Nevertheless, here’s a first instalment. Whether it’s funny is debatable – anyway, read and comment (it’s awfully long) if you will.


Well, it’s finally here – after three seasons of the American version, the Aussies have cottoned on to the latest reality franchise – Idol for dance. The first episode of Australia’s So You Think You Can Dance predictably begins with a montage of frenetic, epilepsy-inducing snippets of dancers, mood music and jarring excerpts from grammatically challenged judges.

“ONE WILL WIN….YOU DECIDE”, the screen flashes aggressively, as if we’re about to actually decide something important here.

And then our host appears. In case you haven’t been flicking through the pages of your local TV Guide recently, the job was given to Rogue Traders lead singer Natalie Bassingthwaighte. No, wait, Bassinghthwaithe. Or is it Basghsighthwaighthte? Who knows, but there are far too many letters. I prefer Cat Deeley the minute Bassinghthwhaihththththe opens her mouth, complete with her nauseating nose inflexions and grating Australian twang.

We’re given little more time to analyse our hostess as we are instantly transported to Perth, the setting for the first round of auditions. But wait! Here she is again!

“This is an ABSOLUTE MASSIVE TURNOUT in Perth…HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS have turned out here today!!” screams Bashingtwit as she scurries up and down the line of maybe one thousand people and assuring her audience she knows nothing about adverbs. Hundreds of thousands? It’s as if she’s insinuating the entire population of Perth were there.

But enough criticism of our host. It’s time to turn to the judges – the first of which is the obligatory import. Bonnie Lythgoe is the wife of Nigel Lythgoe, the “nasty” judge on the American version of the show. What is she looking for in a dancer? “Different, amazing, TALENTED! That’s what we want!” she exclaims, using nouns as adjectives and sending my grammar radar into a frenzy.

The second judge is Australian Jason Coleman, a stage dancer for twenty years and choreographer for the Sydney Olympics ceremony. Bearing more than a passing resemblance to the Paddle Pop Lion, Jason tells us he’s looking for “body shape” as well as “star quality” in a dancer. His penchant for gangster-pimp style fashion means he earns the title of creepiest judge.

Then there’s Matt Lee, the young, fresh-faced kid who looks as if he’s just come out of primary school, complete with wonky teeth and slightly askew cap. “Versatility” is what Matt’s looking for, someone who can cross over through the multitude of styles required for the competition. The only problem with him is that he looks young enough to be competing in the show himself – aren’t the judges meant to be a bunch of old farts?

The first lot of lambs to the slaughter are gathered into a theatre, and told by Bonnie to “do the best you possibly can”. Unfortunately, the first few dancers are fairly uninspiring – everybody’s “not bad”, but “not great”. It takes Brendan and Gemma, a couple with a sixteen year age difference, to get the day going. The sultry duo, who got their routine together in a week, perform a couple of voluptuous moves that are enough to put the judges in raptures. Kid-judge Matt obviously got excited – he claims he nearly fell off his chair. The couple are the first through to Sydney.

Someone with a more vibrant personality is “Lamb chop”, formerly known as “Pork chop”. No, she’s not fat; in fact, the name really doesn’t make any sense. No matter, her hideous blonde highlights wow the judges, and despite the fact that I was pretty unimpressed with her hip hop/contemporary blend, Bonnie loves her. Add to that a little speech about “dance equals breath, dance equals life”, and she’s in.

Next it’s anorexic giraffe “Angel”, an eighteen year old model who steps out in lurid tights and impossibly high heels. She wants to prove that “models can dance” but fails badly, hopping about and looking generally awkward. “I dance to show my emotions”, she says breathlessly to judge Matt, which must mean her emotional range is rather limited. Her back up plans? “I’ll keep starting my degree”, she says, and not even I’m sure what that means. Australia’s Next Top Model beckons.

Then it’s twenty-one year old Stephanie, who wants to work for the Moulin Rouge. As the music starts I’m reminded strongly of Tarisai Vushe – it’s “Kissing You”, that slow, stageboat love number. Nevertheless, Stephanie is pretty and her interpretative dance is more than enough for me and the judges to send her through.

Traditional indigenous dancer Sermsah, covered in tribal paints, is a breath of fresh air; something completely and utterly different to anything one would see on the American version of the show. After telling Basghinghthwhite about the tragic death of his mother, she merely offers a nod and a sheepish “yeah”, before rubbing him lamely on the shoulder. Thanks for your support, Nat.

His dancing is naturally terrific, although the judges aren’t really sure how well he’ll cross over into more conventional styles. No matter, he’s straight through, and Natalie makes up for her lack of emotional support earlier by getting her jacket dirty and giving him a big hug. Smiles all round for Sermsah.

Kelly is next up, dressed for the beach in a bikini. She uses a “man-prop” to dreadful effect, and the judges are particularly unimpressed by her choice of song. Personally, I thought she was better than Lambchop, but what would I know. She’s sent through to the choreography round by the skin of her teeth.

It’s time for a bit of hip hop now, and b-boy Edit pulls out all the usual tricks, but it’s not clear whether he can cross over into other styles. He too is sent to choreography.

The choreography round begins and youngster Matt pulls through a stomping number. The dancers are put into groups of four to dance the routine in front of the three judges. Kelly is sent home, along with a whole lot of others…although Edit gets his ticket to the east coast.

So Perth is over, and with fifteen through to the next stage, the circus moves to Brisbane. Jason’s wearing a gangster-pimp shirt with the buttons undone and the collar up, leaving the bogan girls salivating but the rest of us vomiting. The overwhelming number of female auditionees is accentuated in Brisbane, where two-thirds of those trying out were girls. Camilla bucks the trend, a contemporary/jazz type with feisty red hair, taught by her mum. She appears to have the elusive “X-factor”, and the judges love her despite her lack of fitness, so she sails straight through to Sydney.

Hip hop group “365 Crew” are probably the most impressive dancers so far – their brand of stomping break had my foot tapping. However, only one of them is deemed good enough to go straight through – the other two are sent through to the infamous choreography round.

After the umpteenth ad break we’re introduced to Anthony, brother of a rugby league player. He’s shirtless, muscular and acrobatic, and Bonnie says he made her feel a lot better. He gets a ticket direct to Sydney.

Next up are jokers Ben and Liam, who give us a bit of a boogie presentation in brightly coloured tight costumes. I was ready to pass them off as tools before the green guy in the top hat pulled out some decent breakdancing moves. He makes choreography, but the guy in the too-short pink singlet is sent home.

Emma, an Australian Ballet School alumnus, tells the judges that dancing isn’t the most important thing in her life, always a big no-no. After a few tears, she’s told her emotional personality is too fragile for the competition. No matter; her dancing didn’t seem that good anyway.

Then it’s Jack, who’s likeable enough – he looks like the kind of person you’d meet at a party and get along with. It turns out that he can bebop OK, and while his Broadway ambitions might be a bit of a way off yet, he’s through to Sydney.

Raunchy Brazilian Gianne brings some sultry samba backed up with that Latin favourite, “Mas Que Nada”. I like her A LOT. She’s given a chance to prove her worth again in choreography.

A couple of couples are shown next; whether they get through is not shown. In fact, at this point I’m wondering how well the show has been put together – we’ve not been shown anyone absolutely truly excellent; and nobody has been laughably terrible either. The judges particularly have disappointed me a bit; I was hoping for another Mary Murphy, whose oversized teeth and irritating laugh really made for some decent entertainment.

Then along came Marlena, who was just the ticket for some good old laughs. What strikes me as fascinating about these audition episodes of reality programs is just how many deranged people there are in the world that genuinely believe they possess talent, when in fact they have none whatsoever. Marlena says she hasn’t found a dance partner for the audition (which doesn’t surprise me), and struts her way solo through Jamiroquai’s “Cosmic Girl” in a far too-tight dress. Rejected in a splendidly harsh way by Bonnie and Matt, Marlena justifies her dress by telling Australia with a completely straight face that if Britney Spears can get around without underwear, then so can she. Let’s just leave it there, shall we? At least she was good for a laugh.

It’s choreography round again, and while Liam the joker is sent home, Gianne and the other two members of the 365 Crew get their tickets to Sydney.

Just when I thought it was all over, it turns out there’s a whole day more of auditions in Brisbane. Good god, I’ve already been typing for four pages! Anyway, young Carl is up first, resplendent in a flannelette shirt and tight shorts. He tries to emulate Nureyev in his routine; a dancing version of a musical cover, so to speak. While he’s not quite up to the mark the judges recognise the talent there, so off he goes to choreography.

Bessi is next, a twenty-nine year old woman who escaped civil war in El Salvador. Her energised hip hop is engaging, but it’s evident she’s had no formal training. She’s never been to school either, and has lived for periods on the streets. After she tells them her tale both Bessi and the judges are in tears and Paddle Pop Lion gives her a big hug. Her story is great, but it’s the way she portrays it in dance which is heart-warming. She’s sent through, deservedly, to choreography.

Next up is Caleb, a thin, emo-haired kid who give us a blend of ballet and contemporary dance that is actually mind-blowingly good. By a long way, this guy is the best auditionee so far. Then he tells everyone he’s only fifteen, meaning he can’t actually enter. WHATTT?? Dang, the guy would WIN if he was in it. But Caleb assures us he’ll be back, and urges us to remember his face. I’m not so sure – he’ll be dancing with a professional company before he’s eighteen, I’d guarantee it.

Surely we’re nearly there now…I’ve been typing forever! But no, there’s more – it’s unique Gabriel who’s up now, a sweaty, moustached type who describes himself as a monkey. His dancing didn’t make much of an impression on me or the judges, and he’s given a second chance, just, by going through to choreography.

Finally, it IS time for choreography, and again it’s Matt who leads the also-rans through a routine. After performing for the judges, ballet boy Carl gets a ticket, as well as everyone’s favourite survivor, Bessi. Monkey-boy Gabriel is not so lucky, who storms off unhappily back to university, but lives to fight another day.


And so that’s it – two audition cities down, and a few more left, by the looks of things. It’s actually worried me that the most talented dancer to audition so far has been an ineligible fifteen year old kid, but there were enough interesting personalities and dancers in there to keep me watching and blogging again.

However, you’ll have to wait for next week before you can read my notes on the show once more – I missed Monday night’s program, so I’ve no idea of whether the Top 20 was revealed. I guess I’ll be looking for footage on the website – reality television is so trashy, but so damned addictive….

That’s all folks! Peace, love, ecstacy, unity respect…

;) me